NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot’s backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

“I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first.” The farmer thinks for a while.

“I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?” The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

“I don”t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?”

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.

“I don”t know.”

A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.

His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.

The guy says, “Wow, it really works.”

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut on board. After months of training, they placed all three in the shuttle and prepared for launch.

Mission Control Center announced, “This is Mission Control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.”

The first monkey began frantically typing and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later, NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is Mission Control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.”

The second monkey started typing like mad and the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later Mission Control Center announced, “This is Mission Control to Astronaut… “

At this, the astronaut shouted “I know, I know — feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”

On Father’s Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,”Try it dad.”

The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,”How do you like it Dad?” The dad doesn’t want to hurt the little boy’s feelings so he says, ”This is….something else, I’ve never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.” The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ”Drink some more Pops.”

As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,”Hey! Why did you put army men in here?”

The little boy again smiles and sings,”The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.”

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must be in management.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

- A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.
- Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.
- Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.
- People use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.
- Drive-Up ATM machines feature Braille lettering.

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won’t get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, “Why in the world would you want to take a car door?” The man replies, “Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window.”

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, “I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?”

“Calm down,” the bus driver says, “I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I’m taking them to the movies.”